Relationships are an integral part of life, shaping how we connect, love, and grow with others. But have you noticed recurring patterns in how you react, communicate, or handle emotional closeness in your relationships? The answer to these patterns often lies in something called your attachment style.
Understanding your attachment style can be a powerful step toward building stronger, more fulfilling relationships. Whether you're single, in a relationship, or searching for your person, knowing your attachment style gives you insight into your emotional habits and how these habits were formed.
What Is Attachment Theory?
Before we get into the breakdown of the different attachment styles, let's first talk about what attachment theory is. This theory was documented by psychoanalyst John Bowlby in 1969. In the beginning of his career, Bowlby worked in a child psychiatric hospital where he observed that two particular children under his care displayed noticeable differences in behaviors. One child was very distant physically and emotionally, while the other would constantly follow him around - so much so that his peers starting called this child Bowlby's "shadow".
It was from this experience that Bowlby developed his 'attachment theory'. This theory proposes that as children, we attach to our caretakers instinctively for the purpose of survival. If, as a child, your immediate needs for bonding were not being met, you most likely would have began crying or calling out to a caregiver for help. If this need to bond continued to be unmet, eventually you would develop social, emotional, and even cognitive problems.
What Are Attachment Styles?
Attachment styles form as a result of this dynamic between the primary caregiver and child. They describe the ways we relate to others—how we attach, seek closeness, and handle vulnerability. Although these are formed early in life, our attachment styles continue to mold how we bond in romantic and even platonic relationships as adults.
There are four main attachment styles according to John Bowlby and Mary Ainsworth:
Secure Attachment
Anxious (Preoccupied) Attachment
Avoidant (Dismissive) Attachment
Fearful-Avoidant (Disorganized) Attachment
Let's break down what each of these mean in more detail to help you better understand what your attachment style is and how it may influence your relationships.
Secure Attachment
Secure attachment is characterized by a child feeling safe, comforted, and supported by their caregiver. Children with secure attachment rely on their caregiver for protection, prefer them over strangers, and seek comfort in their presence. This sense of security allows the child to confidently explore their surroundings, knowing their caregiver is a stable source of support.
This type of attachment is essential for healthy development, as it creates a foundation for emotional stability and resilience throughout life. Children who experience secure attachment are more likely to engage with the world around them, feeling safe to learn, grow, and build relationships.
Signs You Are Securely Attached:
You find it easy to trust and seek emotional intimacy while maintaining your independence.
You are comfortable with closeness and skilled at setting boundaries.
Your caregivers provided consistent love, attention, and emotional stability.
You felt safe as a child, knowing your needs would be met.
You have healthy communication skills and handle conflict constructively.
You trust your partner in romantic relationships.
You openly discuss feelings with your partner and comfortably depend on one another without feeling clingy or distant
If you're reading this and thinking - that does not sound like me at all - you're not alone. According to research, only 2 in 5 Americans say they are securely attached (and honestly it's probably even less than that!)
Now let's explore some of the insecure attachment styles:
Avoidant Attachment
Avoidant attachment is an insecure attachment style that develops when a child learns to distance themselves emotionally from their caregiver. Children with this attachment style tend to avoid seeking comfort from their caregiver and show little to no preference for them over strangers. Even in moments of distress, they are unlikely to seek out their caregiver for reassurance.
This attachment style typically forms when a child experiences inconsistent or inadequate emotional support from their caregiver. Over time, the child may come to believe that relying on others for comfort is ineffective, leading them to suppress their need for connection. In some cases, they may even perceive strangers as being just as capable of meeting their needs as their caregiver.
Signs You Have An Avoidant Attachment Style:
You value independence and self-reliance, often to the point of avoiding emotional vulnerability.
You tend to downplay your need for connection, even when you crave intimacy deep down.
You feel uncomfortable with emotional closeness and may pull away when relationships become too intimate.
You struggle to open up or express your emotions, fearing that doing so will make you appear weak or needy.
You avoid relying on others, believing it's safer to handle things on your own.
You may dismiss or minimize your partner’s attempts to connect, seeing emotional needs as burdensome.
Anxious Attachment
Anxious attachment, also known as anxious-preoccupied attachment, is another form of insecure attachment. Children with this attachment style tend to be clingy and overly dependent on their caregiver, yet even when comfort is offered, they struggle to feel reassured. Despite seeking closeness, these children often remain distressed, creating a challenging dynamic for the caregiver, who may feel unable to provide the comfort their child needs. This cycle can leave the child feeling uncertain about whether their needs will be consistently met.
As these children grow, their anxious attachment style often carries into other relationships. They may become emotionally dependent, seeking constant reassurance, yet simultaneously struggle to trust others. This can lead to patterns of clinginess, fear of abandonment, and difficulty feeling secure in their connections with others.
Signs You Have An Anxious Attachment Style:
You crave deep emotional closeness but often fear rejection or abandonment
You tend to be clingy or overly dependent on others
You find it challenging to trust or rely on others for support
You had an inconsistent caregiver - sometimes your needs were met, sometimes they were ignored
You seek constant reassurance from your partners, feel a heightened fear of being left alone, or overanalyze major changes in your partner's behavior
You may repeatedly text your partner when they don't respond quickly, worried it signals a loss of affection.
Fearful-Avoidant (Disorganized) Attachment
Children with disorganized attachment, also known as fearful-avoidant attachment, display an unpredictable relationship with their caregiver, often feeling both drawn to and fearful of them. These children rely on their caregiver for their basic needs and survival, but at the same time, the caregiver can be a source of fear due to inconsistent behavior. Sometimes the caregiver is available and supportive, while other times they are emotionally distant or even harmful, leaving the child uncertain about when or if their needs will be met.
This attachment style is commonly seen in homes where abuse or trauma is present, leading to insecurity and confusion in the child's emotional development. As these children grow, the effects of disorganized attachment can manifest in adulthood, contributing to mental health challenges such as substance abuse, borderline personality disorder, and difficulty forming stable, trusting relationships.
Signs You Have A Fearful-Avoidant Attachment Style:
You experience a mix of cravings for intimacy and fear of being hurt
You pull people close but push them away when things become too vulnerable
You experienced trauma or neglect as a child, with caregivers who were both a source of comfort and fear
You have intense relationships but often struggle with trust and emotional regulation
You find it difficult to resolve conflict or fully commit
You want your partner’s support during difficult times but feel overwhelmed or suffocated when they offer it.
Can Your Attachment Style Change?
The good news? You’re not confined to the attachment style formed during your childhood. While difficult experiences may have shaped insecure attachment styles (anxious, avoidant, or fearful), healing is possible, and a secure attachment can be learned over time.
How to Begin Moving Towards a Secure Attachment Style
🪞 Self-Awareness: Recognizing your attachment style is the first step. Take time to reflect on your emotions and past patterns in relationships.
👩💻 Therapy: A skilled therapist can help you explore your attachment history, identify triggers, and develop healthier patterns of connection.
🗣️ Improved Communication: Learn to express your needs effectively, listen actively, and respond with empathy.
🙅🏽 Set Boundaries: Practice setting and respecting boundaries to build trust and safety in your relationships.
🌱 Stay Patient: Changing attachment patterns takes time. Celebrate small progress and maintain compassion for yourself.
Take the Next Step Toward Stronger Relationships
Understanding your attachment style is a transformative step in improving how you show up in your relationships. If you're ready to do deeper work and evolve into more secure, healthier connections, our virtual therapy services in Arizona are here for you!
Our skilled therapists understand the complexities of attachment styles and can guide you toward meaningful change. Whether you’re seeking individual support or want to strengthen your relationship as a couple, we offer tailored approaches designed to meet your unique needs.
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